Silver streaks of light enter the window to the left of my bed. I am lying with my back to it but I can still feel the cold rays breathing down my neck. I giggle into the phone before going silent for several minutes.
“What do you fear the most?” I finally say, after a long and calculated thought process.
I hear him breathe deeply. My heart is pounding loudly inside my chest. It has been sixteen months today that I have been with this wonderful man but It’s still like every conversation is a magnificent door to a figment of his mind, his imagination and it’s a constant source of wonder to me.
He lets go of himself and I listen to every syllable coming out of his mouth and into my ears with utmost sincerity and awe. I am completely mesmerized by him. Every time he speaks, I feel like I am diving closer and closer into his heart and I feel a great joy filling my body.
Its been hours and I still just can’t get enough. I ask him about the littlest of fears or doubts he might have. Anything at all.
E V E R Y T H I N G
What excited him the most throughout the day? What the worst part was? Why he feels insecure? What inspires worried imaginations?
E V E R Y L I T T L E T H I N G.
And I can feel the weight from his heart lifting and his body relaxing with each thought he entrusts to me. I feel satisfied. Satisfied that I was able to make him feel appreciated and adored, something I most love to do.
Honestly, I am waiting for him to just speak one more sentence. No, more a question really.
“And you, baby? What are your fears? Tell me. I wanna know”
And I wait.
And I wait some more.
But he doesn’t say it. He starts another topic. I gladly join in, swallowing every feeling that was just bursting to be put into words. I smile and dive in into his mind once more losing myself in it. And frankly, I feel relieved too, thinking to myself, “Maybe this is isn’t the right time to open my heart anyway.”
Once again I make myself believe that the right time will come when he will sincerely want to listen to my fears, my ridiculous dreams – grand and small, my wishes, my lofty desires, my imaginations, my thoughts that have grown so loud that sometimes I go deaf to the whole world and start drowning in my own mind. But I know that it’s probably never going to happen.
Losing yourself into someone and liking it takes a huge amount of courage and a world full of love in your heart. Not everyone can afford it and those who can usually never find anyone to return that favor, not to their heart’s desire anyway and they are just going to have to learn to deal with that. Yes, that’s the reality.
How do I deal with it?
Wait for him to fall asleep contentedly. Listening to his breaths, those sweet deep breaths and when I am sure, absolutely sure, that he is sound asleep that’s when my mind comes alive with all of its raw wild imagination.
From the window, I see a faint figure in the sky..flying towards me. I keep looking at it. It keeps growing bigger and bigger until its standing right in front of me. A dragon. My dragon. A LOT OF SMOKE and *poooooffff* it turns into a more attentive version of the very person who is peacefully asleep miles away on his bed. Lies down to my side and listens to my thoughts as I drift away into dreams, talking to an imaginary being.
Sometimes, it’s best to empty your heart into the overflowing night and be done with it. Saves a lot of heartache and disappointment. I learned the hard way that although some people will love you a lot, sometimes, you will find to your disbelief that it’s JUST NOT ENOUGH. But that doesn’t mean that the person isn’t right for you. It’s just a testament to your TOO DEEP mind and your OVERFLOWING heart, something that is not as common in this world as you might like to imagine. What do you do then?
Well, I learned to live with it.
People are like clouds. Sometimes they stay welled up, greyed, and full of pain. Sometimes they let it all out, sometimes they rain.
But whether the drizzle is a happy one or just a premonition of an upcoming storm is quite hard to figure out. There is one thing, however, that we can be sure of and that is the reason behind all they do –
L O V E.
Sometimes it’s the lack of it that drives them mad, sometimes its abundance. But whatever the case, it’s always the extremes that lead to every outburst. Something similar is at the heart of T H E Z A H I R by Paulo Coelho.
I have never really been that keen on Coelho, to be honest. Yes, I have read The Alchemist, and yes, it was a brilliantly written novel but that was years ago and since that one book by him, I never quite got myself to pick up any other of his books. I don’t know but there is something about the way he writes. It’s mysteriously unsettling. It’s like something inside of me wants to escape whenever his words enter my thoughts. I feel…well..I can’t quite put it into words but whatever it was, it stopped me from reading whatever Coelho wrote. That’s why I put off reading The Zahir. It was given to me by my boyfriend who made me promise that I would read it. And I did, thinking that he will soon forget about it and I won’t have to go through that unknown and tremendously disturbing feeling again.
But he would NOT let it happen! DAMN, he would pester me EVERY DAY about it! xD SO MUCH THAT I HAD TO READ IT AND GET IT OVER WITH. He claimed that once I read The Zahir, I will change my opinion of Coelho. I doubted it but I decided to give it a shot anyway.
AND HE WAS RIGHT!
I admit that the first few pages, I didn’t know what was going on and was uninterested. But just as I was about to quit (I was, after all, looking for reasons to just close the book), I was hooked in.
It was like the words were clawing me in and the more I resisted and wanted to leave, the more I kept getting drawn into it. It was like quicksand and I could not break myself free.
I was now a captive of this treacherous little book.
And I never realised when my hate for my captor turned into Stockholm syndrome*!
*ONE DIRECTION, ANYONE??? oh, come on!!!!!
That was the moment I knew I was falling in love with Coelho and what’s weird is that I ENJOYED IT!
The Zahir was becoming my obsession. The sheer volume of the narrator’s thoughts! THEY WERE VERY LOUD! I could hear my mind screaming them back to me, just to ensure that I never forget it.
I was enjoying this kidnapping! I was enjoying how completely detached from the world I was becoming. And somewhere in this process, I found the one answer I too had been searching for soo long, without even realising it –
Am I happy?
There is someone for everyone which sets their souls on fire, who ignites such a passion in their hearts that it becomes impossible to not think about them in every thought, to not see them in every face, to not dream of them every passing night.
But the tragedy is that some people realise this a little too late – that once broken, the fragile thread is never smooth again, the heart is never again. That’s something that happens with our story’s protagonist. He is rich. He is famous. He has the passport to be with any woman he likes and still lead a happily married life. But he isn’t happy. He loves his wife. He loves his career. But he isn’t satisfied. His wife loves him. She loves her life. And yet, she isn’t satisfied either. Neither of them is happy. They need to find that SOMETHING. THAT FEELING OF BEING ALIVE. And in search of their respective obsessions…what will they eventually get?
Passion or despair?
I am T H E Z A H I R.
I was left enthralled by the time I finished reading this absolutely gorgeous book. Have you read The Zahir?
Did you feel the same?
Do you plan to read it?
What are your opinions of Coelho in general?
Do you feel the same aversion as I felt before reading The Zahir?
LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! ❤ ❤ ❤
Until next time 🙂
This is a post that I have been wanting to put up for FAAAAAAAAAAAR TOOOOOOOO long but never got around to actually doing it due to….well…my absolutely UNNECESSARY break!
But now, I want to take this opportunity to share with you, my gorgeous readers, my conversation with Tatiana Aleksina and Tony Single, the heart and mind of my favourite blog ON THE WHOLE INTERNET, UNBOLT.ME
YOU ARE GOING TO LOOOOVE THEM! Their answers were absolutely hilarious and so well thought that I felt like crying when I got them! They were very enthusiastic about it and I SWEAR TO GOD, I feel so glad that I had the opportunity to interact with them.
Both of them are terrific writers, kind and helpful and SUCH FUN TO TALK TO!
Continue reading “[ON MY BEST BEHAVIOUR] Interviewing the genius minds behind Unbolt, Tati & Tony *cheering in the background*”
White lines run in an artistic fashion (on the cover of the book) to form a slender, wild, yet graceful girl walking around, making her way through the chilly woods with an ease of a fox.
She trots on the snow ️ covered ground delicately, taking care not to disturb the lovely white ground. She carries an ocean in her heart, as blue as her eyes, frozen like the frost on her hair. She is a miracle. She is mundane. Look at her and you see two things, the ORDINARY and the OTHERWORLDY, both combined in such beautiful proportions that you cannot help but reach out your hands to touch her cheeks, caress them. Hug her and hold her close.
Continue reading “Magic, Children, and Oldies/ THE SNOW CHILD by Eowyn Ivey (REVIEW)”
A death of silence is what I longed for. An escape from the prison of word-less, sound-less symphonies screeching static in my ears, driving me mad.
The death of a thousand burning lights of the hollow darkness.
I craved for a death of cold stares and empty hearts. For rooms filled with laughter and the echo of dancing souls.
I longed for a death of lonely afternoons in the cafe, waiting for someone who was gone far, faaaar away…
D E A T H
Continue reading “//MOONDUST// A thousand wishes upon a shooting star”