[MOONDUST] I put myself in the shoes of a deeply troubled girl and as I wrote down her plight, I could feel her sadness. Can you?

A deep breath and a forceful exhale – I hoped this would get rid of this heavy, toxic feeling in the middle of my chest – making it hard for me to breathe. The ground started to shake beneath my feet, nerves straining on the temples of my forehead – what was it that I was trying to remember – a happy feeling, perhaps?

When she – my mother – got sad and all those repressed feelings manifested themselves in the shape of a disease, I blamed myself. When the very air inside my own home seemed to turn foul at the very touch of my existence, I resented myself. And now that everyone is obviously happy without me, I despise myself.

Why is my family’s unhappiness almost ALWAYS tied with me?

Breaths start coming in shorter and shorter as I mentally will myself to move – run away from this toxic place that is my room, this house, the people in it. 

I – Kaya – am a troubled soul. I am she who wakes up at 3 in the morning with misty eyes and a heavy heart. 

I am she who spends night after night being envious of the stars just because they are so comfortably far away from here.

My house is a beautiful place full of beautiful things. I have so many pretty dresses, you know? More than you could ever dream of. I have food. I have books. I have shoes. I have money. So – 

“What do I have to be depressed about?” everyone asks me, with a mock in their tone and tease in their eyes.

Yes. I have everything – everything except someone to understand me. 

I want acceptance, not judgement.
I want love, not resentment.
I want you – my dear family – to stop hating me ”out of concern.”

Get me this one last thing and I will be happy, I promise. 

I – who am neither an adult, nor a teenager – want to be understood; I – who am still in the process of figuring myself out – need you to be cooperative with me.

You are my family. I trust you. I fight for you. I love you. Unconditionally. Then why is it that when something goes wrong with ME – personally – all of your faith in me vanishes, all of your hopes and dreams of me come crashing down and I am reduced to A MERE FAILURE?

It’s already a very harsh world and I hope I am not asking for something extravagant in wishing that – when life blows me down – you will become my soft landing not a bed of thornsconstantly reminding me with EVERY SINGLE PRICK where I fucked it all up! 

Today this 21 year old has everything – everything except mental peace. She is fatigued. She is tired. She is weary of soul – not because of the world and the disappointments of life – but because her own turned their backs against her in the moment she needs help the most.

Believe me – your silent stares of judgement don’t go unseen. Your disappointed sighs don’t go unheard. I can taste it all in the very air and it’s suffocating me.

I might just run away and come back all renewed – morphed into the version of myself that you most want to see.

But before I can do that – I want you to see the REAL ME – with all my faults. And I want you to KNOW that every reaction is an answer, not a question – the questions were all yours. When you turned me away silently – you asked me (without words) some very basic questions:

“What even is your worth in this family? What is your importance?”

And my answer came out in every single retaliation, in every single shout, and in every single night I spent crying in my bedroom. 

You have got me thinking of myself as a culmination of all the bad luck in the world – but of course, you do it all because you are “concerned”, aren’t you? Well – how can I argue with that! 

I will be waiting, then – for another one of your verbal thrashing.

17 thoughts on “[MOONDUST] I put myself in the shoes of a deeply troubled girl and as I wrote down her plight, I could feel her sadness. Can you?

    1. AHHHH!!! REALLLYY??!?!?! Your reaction to the post IS EVERYTHING, Naemi! I am so soooo glad you liked it!!!! ahhh!!!! This is actually one of the characters in my WIP and I just…..HAD TO SHARE THIS!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sooo, what’s the context behind this one? 😮 When or where did you cross paths with this troubled girl to find yourself empathizing with her plight this profoundly?! I’m actually lost to the point of wondering if it’s all real or fictional! 😮 I’m also convinced that you’re the mastermind behind those gifs. No way can we find these online. You must have created them from scratch or have people working for you!!! 😀 Thanks for sharing this emotional piece with us. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Would you believe me if I said that it is, in fact, fiction?! Kaya is one of the characters in my WIP and well…I don’t know when she took on such a real form but…I just..she started feeling real, her hurt started feeling real..and I just HAD to share it! And your reaction to this is…as you can guess…VERY VERY ENCOURAGING!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

      AHHH!!! The gifs!!! I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH OF ALL THE PRAISE FOR THEM!!!! 😉 ❤ ❤ ❤

      Thank you SO SO SOOOO MUCHHH FOR YOUR THOUGHTFUL COMMENT,. Lashaan! YOU AREE THE BESTTT!!! ❤ 😉

      Liked by 2 people

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