[MOONDUST] I put myself in the shoes of a deeply troubled girl and as I wrote down her plight, I could feel her sadness. Can you?

A deep breath and a forceful exhale – I hoped this would get rid of this heavy, toxic feeling in the middle of my chest – making it hard for me to breathe. The ground started to shake beneath my feet, nerves straining on the temples of my forehead – what was it that I was trying to remember – a happy feeling, perhaps?

When she – my mother – got sad and all those repressed feelings manifested themselves in the shape of a disease, I blamed myself. When the very air inside my own home seemed to turn foul at the very touch of my existence, I resented myself. And now that everyone is obviously happy without me, I despise myself.

Why is my family’s unhappiness almost ALWAYS tied with me?

Breaths start coming in shorter and shorter as I mentally will myself to move – run away from this toxic place that is my room, this house, the people in it. 

I – Kaya – am a troubled soul. I am she who wakes up at 3 in the morning with misty eyes and a heavy heart. 

I am she who spends night after night being envious of the stars just because they are so comfortably far away from here.

My house is a beautiful place full of beautiful things. I have so many pretty dresses, you know? More than you could ever dream of. I have food. I have books. I have shoes. I have money. So – 

“What do I have to be depressed about?” everyone asks me, with a mock in their tone and tease in their eyes.

Yes. I have everything – everything except someone to understand me. 

I want acceptance, not judgement.
I want love, not resentment.
I want you – my dear family – to stop hating me ”out of concern.”

Get me this one last thing and I will be happy, I promise. 

I – who am neither an adult, nor a teenager – want to be understood; I – who am still in the process of figuring myself out – need you to be cooperative with me.

You are my family. I trust you. I fight for you. I love you. Unconditionally. Then why is it that when something goes wrong with ME – personally – all of your faith in me vanishes, all of your hopes and dreams of me come crashing down and I am reduced to A MERE FAILURE?

It’s already a very harsh world and I hope I am not asking for something extravagant in wishing that – when life blows me down – you will become my soft landing not a bed of thornsconstantly reminding me with EVERY SINGLE PRICK where I fucked it all up! 

Today this 21 year old has everything – everything except mental peace. She is fatigued. She is tired. She is weary of soul – not because of the world and the disappointments of life – but because her own turned their backs against her in the moment she needs help the most.

Believe me – your silent stares of judgement don’t go unseen. Your disappointed sighs don’t go unheard. I can taste it all in the very air and it’s suffocating me.

I might just run away and come back all renewed – morphed into the version of myself that you most want to see.

But before I can do that – I want you to see the REAL ME – with all my faults. And I want you to KNOW that every reaction is an answer, not a question – the questions were all yours. When you turned me away silently – you asked me (without words) some very basic questions:

“What even is your worth in this family? What is your importance?”

And my answer came out in every single retaliation, in every single shout, and in every single night I spent crying in my bedroom. 

You have got me thinking of myself as a culmination of all the bad luck in the world – but of course, you do it all because you are “concerned”, aren’t you? Well – how can I argue with that! 

I will be waiting, then – for another one of your verbal thrashing.

[COLOR OF THE MONTH] Pink: 10 of THE PRETTIEST Covers EVER!

I judge books. BY THEIR COVER.

undefined

YEP.
YOU HEARD IT RIGHT!

I like pretty books and I cannot lie. I am sorry but I can’t. Far too often have I went to the bookstore with the intention of buying a bunch of eye-candies. If the story turns out awesome? YAYYY! But EVEN IF IT DOESN’T, the books look fucking gorgeous on my shelf AND THAT’S ALWAYS A PLUS! *shrugs*

I am not even guilty about it. Nuh-uh. In fact, I am PROUD AS HELL of all those beautiful (if not so interesting) books adorning my shelf. (Red Queen comes to mind. Heh. xD)

And to celebrate this love of beautiful books (which I am sure ALL OF YOU SHARE AS WELL 😉 ), I am starting a new series on my blog – COLOR OF THE MONTH – where I will post the prettiest book covers with new colors EVERY MONTH!

And we are starting off WITH MY FAVORITE (if a bit cliche) PINKKK!!!

[Note: I haven’t read any of these but I am planning to! <3]

🌸 A Little Something Different by Sandy Hall : Okay, do I even NEED to tell you why this is MY VERY FIRST CHOICE?! I mean LOOK AT IT! JUST LOOOK! It’s just tooo fucking gorgeous for words. Romantic, heartwarming, the RIGHT AMOUNT OF CHEESY – AHH!!! Can’t stop gushing about it! ❤

🌸 Dear Fang, With Love by Rufi Thorpe : This cover matches the story – about High school lovers turned distant parents – beautifully. I can feel the unsaid words, suppressed emotions, depression, trauma, anxiety, estrangement – EVERYTHING. An absolute beauty, wouldn’t you say?

🌸 The Royals by Rachel Hawkins: Okay, from the title itself I can tell that this will be one of those cheesy stories where the girl has no desire to be a princess or something but she is forced to and all. LIKE HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO SUCH A LAVISH LIFESTYLE?! It will always remain a mystery to me. BUT that doesn’t mean one cannot enjoy such a one-time-read romance from time to time, does it? 😉 If I do end up reading it, I won’t go in with high hopes, that’s for sure. If this book manages to capture my heart, that’ll definitely be a plus BUT EVEN IF IT DOESN’T, it’ll be nice to own such a pretty copy! ❤

🌸 The Awakening by Kate Chopin: Almost ALL of you must have heard about this book, haven’t you? I mean, you MUST have read a review or another floating around the blogosphere. Dealing with female infidelity in an honest-to-god way, there is NO WAY this book could end up being a disappointment. AND WITH A COVER LIKE THAT? NO CHANCE!

🌸 Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See: I’d be lying if I were to tell you that the cover captivated me more than the title. There is a certain mysteriousness, a certain complexity to the title of this book that I couldn’t help but add it to my TBR. The cover was definitely a plus and the fact that its Historical Fiction adds to the long list of reasons why I am dying to read this one. BUT OH THE COVER!!! *heart eyes forever*

🌸 The Idiot by Elif Batuman: The sheer simplicity of the cover would capture ANYONE’S heart really. You’d be FORCED TO WANT TO KNOW the contents of the book. Seriously. Just keep looking at it. No, no. Don’t take away your eyes yet. Focus on the pretty background, then the rock, then the title – rushing to the bookstore yet? 😉

🌸 The Bed Moved by Rebecca Schiff: I am sorry but LOOK AT IT! It’s TOO FUCKING INTRIGUING! I know it isn’t all pink but I mean COME ON! How could you NOT want to read it after the first impression like THAT? It’s a collection of horror stories – as you must have guessed by the title and the font and all – and I AM WAY TOO EXCITED to lay my hands on it ASAP!

🌸 A Guide for Murdered Children by Sarah Sparrow: Stephen King says, ‘There is no safe place to read this book.” and I gotta say between the title and the fact that this is a psychological thriller, he is right! The only good that’ll come out of owning it – apart from it looking pretty on your shelf – is that people will stop leaving you in charge of their kids. (insert echo voice) FOREVER. EVER. EVER.

🌸 A Quiet Kind of Thunder by Sara Bernard: When I first saw this cover, I immediately fell in love with it. The way it depicts silent AND chaotic states of mind – both at the same time – perfectly blends with the title. This is a story of quiet yet thunderous love and I have an inkling that I am going to adore every single moment of reading this beauty!

🌸 Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams: ”QUEENIE will have you nodding in recognition, crying in solidarity, and rooting for this unforgettable character every step of the way.” x.X I mean, for a cover as gorgeous, daring, and bold as THAT I am willing to endure ANYTHING! *heart eyes* ❤

SOOO??!??!
Did you like the covers?
Which one’s your favorite?
Have you read any of them?! PLEASE TELLL ME IF YOU HAVE!!
ALSO, what is YOUR favorite colour? ❤
Let’s talk!