Silver streaks of light enter the window to the left of my bed. I am lying with my back to it but I can still feel the cold rays breathing down my neck. I giggle into the phone before going silent for several minutes.
“What do you fear the most?” I finally say, after a long and calculated thought process.
I hear him breathe deeply. My heart is pounding loudly inside my chest. It has been sixteen months today that I have been with this wonderful man but It’s still like every conversation is a magnificent door to a figment of his mind, his imagination and it’s a constant source of wonder to me.
He lets go of himself and I listen to every syllable coming out of his mouth and into my ears with utmost sincerity and awe. I am completely mesmerized by him. Every time he speaks, I feel like I am diving closer and closer into his heart and I feel a great joy filling my body.
Its been hours and I still just can’t get enough. I ask him about the littlest of fears or doubts he might have. Anything at all.
E V E R Y T H I N G
What excited him the most throughout the day? What the worst part was? Why he feels insecure? What inspires worried imaginations?
E V E R Y L I T T L E T H I N G.
And I can feel the weight from his heart lifting and his body relaxing with each thought he entrusts to me. I feel satisfied. Satisfied that I was able to make him feel appreciated and adored, something I most love to do.
Honestly, I am waiting for him to just speak one more sentence. No, more a question really.
“And you, baby? What are your fears? Tell me. I wanna know”
And I wait.
And I wait some more.
But he doesn’t say it. He starts another topic. I gladly join in, swallowing every feeling that was just bursting to be put into words. I smile and dive in into his mind once more losing myself in it. And frankly, I feel relieved too, thinking to myself, “Maybe this is isn’t the right time to open my heart anyway.”
Once again I make myself believe that the right time will come when he will sincerely want to listen to my fears, my ridiculous dreams – grand and small, my wishes, my lofty desires, my imaginations, my thoughts that have grown so loud that sometimes I go deaf to the whole world and start drowning in my own mind. But I know that it’s probably never going to happen.
Losing yourself into someone and liking it takes a huge amount of courage and a world full of love in your heart. Not everyone can afford it and those who can usually never find anyone to return that favor, not to their heart’s desire anyway and they are just going to have to learn to deal with that. Yes, that’s the reality.
How do I deal with it?
Wait for him to fall asleep contentedly. Listening to his breaths, those sweet deep breaths and when I am sure, absolutely sure, that he is sound asleep that’s when my mind comes alive with all of its raw wild imagination.
From the window, I see a faint figure in the sky..flying towards me. I keep looking at it. It keeps growing bigger and bigger until its standing right in front of me. A dragon. My dragon. A LOT OF SMOKE and *poooooffff* it turns into a more attentive version of the very person who is peacefully asleep miles away on his bed. Lies down to my side and listens to my thoughts as I drift away into dreams, talking to an imaginary being.
Sometimes, it’s best to empty your heart into the overflowing night and be done with it. Saves a lot of heartache and disappointment. I learned the hard way that although some people will love you a lot, sometimes, you will find to your disbelief that it’s JUST NOT ENOUGH. But that doesn’t mean that the person isn’t right for you. It’s just a testament to your TOO DEEP mind and your OVERFLOWING heart, something that is not as common in this world as you might like to imagine. What do you do then?
Well, I learned to live with it.