Yesterday wasn’t the first time my heart whispered, ”Oi, dumbass! What about your fucking blog? When you going to get back to THAT?!!” It had asked the same question earlier as well, many, many times. But my mind would always shut it’s meek little voice down with all it’s lofty and rather negative ideas about…well, about everything really –
about you (yes, you, my dear reader!)
about my writing skills
about the whole blogging community!
EVERY SINGLE THING about blogging had begun to scare me a little bit. Because of all the fears I had allowed my mind to store in my mind – all those sneaky, little WHAT-IFS! People are wrong when they say ”And idea can change your life.” Because believe me honey, A FUCKING ”WHAT-IF” CAN CHANGE IT FASTER, just not very positively! *shrug*
So here I am, opening up to you about some of the scariest what-if’s my mind fed me day in and day out until I recoiled from the very idea of punching the damn keys and hitting ‘publish.’
what-if people have forgotten me?
Not going to lie, this was the worst one!
You write for yourselves, yes. Just to satisfy your own passion for it. But there is always a hope that your words will be enjoyed by other people too. That they will take pleasure in reading them and will remember you because of them. And it was this little hope that this particular doubt began crushing with ALL OF IT’S MIGHT.
I’d stand tall in front of it in the beginning – ask this hateful thought to just FUCK OFF. But it seemed this fear was more persistent than my desire to be rid of it and soon, my will power failed in front of it. And I ended up surrendering to it. Sad. Embarrassing. But true, nonetheless. Oh, how I wish I can get all those moments of second-guessing back and just push through it!
what-if I am not not welcomed back?
This one got me SO SO mad at myself because it had me doubting YOUUU!! ughhh…..THE NERVE OF MY FICKLE BRAIN that it almost got me believing the horse-sh*t lie that THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY – MY FRIENDS – WONT WELCOME ME! *unamused*
If there is one thing I am always sure of? It’s that no matter what? The friends I made here – all the amazing bloggers with whom I share my love of reading and writing – are never going to just turn their back on me.
LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH FOR THAT! ❤ ❤
what-if I have lost ‘it’?
I have written in the past about how setting the bar way too high can actually trump you up in so many ways when it comes to writing. You begin playing the comparison game that leads you to feeling lost and afraid of putting your posts out there for the world to read. I know because I have played it before and lost. There is no other option after all!
And with so many months of gap between me and my writing, this little fear began laying it’s roots in my mind once again.
Every time I’d open the computer to write? I’d end up comparing what I wrote to the posts I had made in the past and would reach the conclusion that ”ITS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” This went on for QUITE a long while which in turn kept me from being able to simply write.
what-if I am unable to connect with my readers?
I cannot blame my mind for this one because this has happened to me once before as well. I was at fault since I had made an unannounced exit from the blogosphere for a couple of months.
It was back in 2017. I used to have a very good blogger friend. We would share our thoughts on all things bookish and it was SO MUCH FUN! But as December approached and the whole family got busy with shifting to the new house, it simply became more and more difficult to keep up with my social media presence. So I decided to take a break. The one thing I didn’t do though (which, I now realize, I should have) was announce my hiatus.
guilty as charged! *shrug*
During that time she commented on my blog and my Pinterest as well, but I was no longer accessing either of those. So I was only able to reply to her emails, which I did. But unfortunately, she took it as a sign of disrespect – that her comments had gone ignored. 😦 And although I tried my best to connect with her again when I came back, she simply didn’t seem as keen anymore.
That incident was the one that fueled my anxiety about not being able to make the connection again this time as well. BUT you have NO IDEA how glad I am that this isn’t the case – that I can still interact with all of you with the same excitement and familiarity! LOVE THAT and I have you to thank for making that possible.
I AM SO SO GLAD TO HAVE MET YOU GUYS HERE! You make blogging fun and worth it! ❤
Whew! That was so irritating – having to remember all those moments of second-guessing and frustration that kept me away from almost everything that I am passionate about and love doing. GAHH!! But now that I have revisited that time, I realize I am ready to leave those horrible and VERY MUCH UNTRUE what-ifs behind for good! YAYYYY!!!!