November 18th marked the arrival of Mr. Collins – a die-hard fan of the uppity minx residing at Rosings Park, Lady Catherine de Bourgh – at Longbourn.
His design in paying a visit to the lovely Bennet girls was to save them from destitution by, being the kind-hearted man as he was, offering his hand in marriage to whichever one may please his eye.
HOW CAN YOU REFUSE ADMITTANCE TO SUCH AN HONEST MAN? Mr. Bennet sure as hell didn’t for his curiosity wouldn’t have allowed him to. And thus, at four o’clock on a Monday afternoon, he paid the Bennets the great compliment of visiting them.
With his most affected and insistent manners and a mouth that spoke nine kinds of wonder, he soon accomplished his goal of choosing his future companion.
Now, you must be wondering who the lucky girl was, right?
FORGET ABOUT THAT!
I’ll do you one better – I’ll let you in on his secrets of how to choose the perfect wife for yourself.
TAKE OUT YOUR NOTEPADS BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GET WILD HERE PEOPLE!!
COMPLIMENTS! COMPLIMENTS!! COMPLIMENTS!!!
From dining table to sofas to the boiled potatoes – COMPLIMENT EVERYTHING! You can never go wrong with a few words of praise. Everyone knows that.
BUT YOU HAVE TO MASTER THE ART OF OVERDOING IT.
And don’t worry, if you fall short of things to compliment, START PRAISING YOUR PATRONESS – Lady Catherine de Bourgh – IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE FUCK SHE IS! Now, THAT’S a winning stroke I am telling you.
Tell about her to whoever is polite enough to not punch in the face – your cousins, their parents, their aunts, their future love interest, strangers, dogs, worms.
SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!
DON’T BE RIGID IN YOUR CHOICE
Mr. Collins is a very flexible man.
He understands the delicacy of the business of marriage and he knows how difficult it is to find a partner. And although as soon as he entered the house he chose Jane, the prettiest of the Bennet girls, as his future wife, he wasn’t unwilling to direct his attention from her to Elizabeth in a jiffy when he found out that his first choice was already spoken for.
You see, it’s THIS casual attitude that ladies out there are looking for. Hop from one girl to another until you find someone crazy, lonely, and destitute enough to accept your hand in marriage.
THAT’S HOW THE PROS DO IT, BRO!
THE LIGHTNESS OF YOUR FOOT
Ladies LOVE a man who is skilled in the art of dancing.
Bonus points if your skills can successfully mortify them at the most important ball of the season at Netherfield.
The more you are able to expose your partner to ridicule in the eyes of important people, the more chances you have of winning her heart!
It’s like this – the more exasperated she becomes with you, the more she will be willing to put an end to the trauma of putting up with your ridiculous antics for your attention by JUST SAYING YES. *sigh*
I know it sounds crazy but our dear Mr. Collins SWEARS by it.
So you better listen and keep your rational thinking faaaar awaayyyyy, UNDERSTAND?
Confess your love
THIS is the moment you’ve been waiting for and I know you must be thinking of a romantic proposal full of all the passion and love you feel for her.
You seeeeee, THAT’S where you are wrong. You gotta suppress your feelings about her and state your reasons for marriage in the following manner:
🤦🏻Your profession requires you to set an example of matrimony by marrying a girl from a well-off family.
🤦🏻Your esteemed patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh requires you to choose a wife AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE, and you DARE NOT to disappoint her.
🤦🏻You, in your kindness, want to save your cousin from homelessness by providing her and her family a place to live once you inherit their father’s estate.
🤦🏻Tell her again that the GREAT AND MIGHTY Lady Catherine de Bourgh would like to see him marry either her or one of her sisters.
🤦🏻Lastly, remind her that her lack of fortune doesn’t matter to him because the house she is living in right now will be his in the end anyway.
IN THE END, MARRY HER BEST FRIEND INSTEAD
Now if even after following all these steps she refuses to add to YOUR happiness in life by marrying you, do not despair.
Do not lose heart.
There is hope for you yet.
You just have to direct your attention towards her plain and emotionally vulnerable best friend. THAT’S RIGHT! You know she is a burden to her family and will accept anyone right now so don’t lose this opportunity of preying on her weakness.
GO AFTER HER!
Your main objective should be to have a wife by the upcoming Tuesday. THAT IS IT! So don’t overthink, just take it all in your stride and you should be a happily married man by the end of the week.
THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ANYWAY, RIIIIGGGGHHHTTTT????!!! 😉
Man, I had SOO much fun writing this, YOU HAVE NOW IDEA!! *dies of laughter*
So, what did you think, huh? 😉
Do you agree with Mr. Collins’ advice?
Would you like to see a print version of this delightful guide? Because Penguin is desperate to publish it! xD