[MY BOOKISH OBSESSIONS] How-To: Choose a Wife// A Step-by-Step Guide by Mr. Collins//

November 18th marked the arrival of Mr. Collinsa die-hard fan of the uppity minx residing at Rosings Park, Lady Catherine de Bourgh – at Longbourn.

His design in paying a visit to the lovely Bennet girls was to save them from destitution by, being the kind-hearted man as he was, offering his hand in marriage to whichever one may please his eye.

HOW CAN YOU REFUSE ADMITTANCE TO SUCH AN HONEST MAN? Mr. Bennet sure as hell didn’t for his curiosity wouldn’t have allowed him to. And thus, at four o’clock on a Monday afternoon, he paid the Bennets the great compliment of visiting them.

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With his most affected and insistent manners and a mouth that spoke nine kinds of wonder, he soon accomplished his goal of choosing his future companion.

Now, you must be wondering who the lucky girl was, right?
FORGET ABOUT THAT!
I’ll do you one betterI’ll let you in on his secrets of how to choose the perfect wife for yourself.

TAKE OUT YOUR NOTEPADS BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GET WILD HERE PEOPLE!!

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COMPLIMENTS! COMPLIMENTS!! COMPLIMENTS!!!

From dining table to sofas to the boiled potatoesCOMPLIMENT EVERYTHING! You can never go wrong with a few words of praise. Everyone knows that.

BUT YOU HAVE TO MASTER THE ART OF OVERDOING IT.

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And don’t worry, if you fall short of things to compliment, START PRAISING YOUR PATRONESSLady Catherine de BourghIN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE FUCK SHE IS! Now, THAT’S a winning stroke I am telling you.

Tell about her to whoever is polite enough to not punch in the faceyour cousins, their parents, their aunts, their future love interest, strangers, dogs, worms.Β 

SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

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DON’T BE RIGID IN YOUR CHOICE

Mr. Collins is a very flexible man.

He understands the delicacy of the business of marriage and he knows how difficult it is to find a partner. And although as soon as he entered the house he chose Jane, the prettiest of the Bennet girls, as his future wife, he wasn’t unwilling to direct his attention from her to Elizabeth in a jiffy when he found out that his first choice was already spoken for.

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You see, it’s THIS casual attitude that ladies out there are looking for. Hop from one girl to another until you find someone crazy, lonely, and destitute enough to accept your hand in marriage.

THAT’S HOW THE PROS DO IT, BRO!

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THE LIGHTNESS OF YOUR FOOT

Ladies LOVE a man who is skilled in the art of dancing.
Bonus points if your skills can successfully mortify them at the most important ball of the season at Netherfield.

The more you are able to expose your partner to ridicule in the eyes of important people, the more chances you have of winning her heart!

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It’s like this – the more exasperated she becomes with you, the more she will be willing to put an end to the trauma of putting up with your ridiculous antics for your attention by JUST SAYING YES.Β *sigh*

I know it sounds crazy but our dear Mr. Collins SWEARS by it.

So you better listen and keep your rational thinking faaaar awaayyyyy, UNDERSTAND?

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Confess your love

THIS is the moment you’ve been waiting for and I know you must be thinking of a romantic proposal full of all the passion and love you feel for her.

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BUT WAIT!

You seeeeee, THAT’S where you are wrong. You gotta suppress your feelings about her and state your reasons for marriage in the following manner:

🀦🏻Your profession requires you to set an example of matrimony by marrying a girl from a well-off family.

🀦🏻Your esteemed patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh requires you to choose a wife AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE, and you DARE NOT to disappoint her. 

🀦🏻You, in your kindness, want to save your cousin from homelessness by providing her and her family a place to live once you inherit their father’s estate.Β 

🀦🏻Tell her again that the GREAT AND MIGHTY Lady Catherine de Bourgh would like to see him marry either her or one of her sisters. 

🀦🏻Lastly, remind her that her lack of fortune doesn’t matter to him because the house she is living in right now will be his in the end anyway.Β 

COOL, RIGHT??!!

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IN THE END, MARRY HER BEST FRIEND INSTEAD

Now if even after following all these steps she refuses to add to YOUR happiness in life by marrying you, do not despair.
Do not lose heart.
There is hope for you yet.Β 

You just have to direct your attention towards her plain and emotionally vulnerable best friend. THAT’S RIGHT! You know she is a burden to her family and will accept anyone right now so don’t lose this opportunity of preying on her weakness.

GO AFTER HER!

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Your main objective should be to have a wife by the upcoming Tuesday. THAT IS IT! So don’t overthink, just take it all in your stride and you should be a happily married man by the end of the week.

THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS ANYWAY, RIIIIGGGGHHHTTTT????!!! πŸ˜‰

laurels+flowers_0007_Vector Smart ObjectMan, I had SOO much fun writing this, YOU HAVE NOW IDEA!! *dies of laughter*

So, what did you think, huh? πŸ˜‰
Do you agree with Mr. Collins’ advice?
Would you like to see a print version of this delightful guide?Β Because Penguin is desperate to publish it! xD

41 thoughts on “[MY BOOKISH OBSESSIONS] How-To: Choose a Wife// A Step-by-Step Guide by Mr. Collins//

    1. Hahahahha!! Awwwww!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH, Amanda! I am soo very glad you enjoyed reading it β€οΈβ€οΈπŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ’•πŸ’•β˜”οΈ

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  1. Well, constant effusive praise and immediately moving on after a total shoot-down is better than negging and seeing how far you can get away with after they say no, so he’s still a step up from a from the average PUA.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I quite agree with you there! 😊😊❀️ But you gotta admit, he was a PRETTY stupid character! 🀣🀣🀣 But then I think there are worse characteristics than being overly thankful to people who you believe have been kind to you! ❀️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I HAVENT SEEN THE SEDUCES YOU WITH POTATO CHEWING GIF BEFORE AND MY LIFE WAS EMPTIER FOR IT!!!!!!!! Omg Rain I have died. Dead. Deceased. Gone to meet my maker. This post has KILLED me!!!! You my friend are hilarious. An absolute genius. God I love mr Collins. He’s just such a ridiculous character. JANE AUSTEN MY QUEEN!!!!! I need to re read pride and prejudice. I HAVE ONLY READ IT ABOUT TEN TIMES I DO NOT YET THINK THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!!! <333333333333 This post is #GOALS :))))))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣 I DIED TOOO WHEN I SAW THIS GIF AND I KNEW I HAD TO INCLUDE IT!🀣🀣🀣🀣

      I AM JUST….HE IS SOOO STUPID THAT I KINDA LOVE HIM! 🀣🀣🀣🀣 I had SOOO much fun writing this!! 😍😍😍❀️❀️

      YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO REREAD IT! 😍😍❀️❀️❀️ There is no such thing as too much Pride and Prejudice! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahah!! 🀣🀣🀣🀣 Your request has been duly noted and is being transferred to the respective authorities. Rest assured that we will soon assign an expert to address your query. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰β€οΈ Stay tuned to our How-To series! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜β€οΈπŸ˜˜πŸ˜†πŸ€£πŸ€£

      Liked by 1 person

  3. πŸ˜‚SEDUCING YOU WITH POTATO CHEWING 🀣 THIS POST IS PURE GOLD – absolutely hilarious and definitely brightened up my day!! MAKES ME WANT TO RE READ IT NOW – I simply must see his guide firsthand – such aspirations, such mastery, such skill the only way to secure yourself a partner πŸ˜‚πŸ€£ I remember first reading this like… someone plz just take him away, this isn’t a murder mystery but I am staring to want it to be so.πŸ˜‚πŸ€£ GREAT POSTTT πŸ’–πŸ₯°β€πŸ˜πŸ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I KNOW RIGHTT!?! 🀣🀣🀣 THAT HIF KILLEDDD MEEEEE!! 🀣🀣🀣 Its my new favorite thing! 🀣🀣❀️😍😍

      OH?!? You want to read it then?! GOOD! Now I can safely call back Penguin and tell them that readers are DYING for a print copy of this guide! THEY WILL BE THRILLED! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ€£πŸ˜πŸ˜β€οΈβ€οΈ

      Hahhaha!! My thoughts EXACTLY but the more I read it, the more I realised P&P wouldnt have been the same without him now, would it? 🀣🀣😍😍

      AWWW! THANK YOU SOO SOOO VERYYYY MUCHHH, Kat!!πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ’•πŸ’•β˜”οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 🀣🀣PERFECT GIF πŸ˜‚πŸ˜Š

        AH yes I am sure they will be thrilled to hear it!! The print copy will be ALL THE RAGE πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

        True true, definitely wouldn’t have been the same ❀πŸ₯°πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜Š

        YOU’RE WELCOMEEE RAINNN SUCH A GREAT POST!! πŸ’•πŸ’–πŸ’–πŸ₯°β€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. IT WILL BEEEE!! 🀣🀣🀣😍😍

        Awwww!! THANK YOU SOO MUCHH!! πŸ˜­πŸ˜­β€οΈβ€οΈπŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜β˜”οΈ

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    1. AWWWWWW!! THANK YOU SOOO MUCHH, Tree! ❀️😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😘😘😘 YOU ARE TOO KIND! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸŒŸπŸŒŸ I am so glad you had fun reading it! ❀️🌟

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    1. AWWWW!! 😍😍❀️❀️❀️ THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCHHHHHH, Trang!❀️❀️😍😍 I AM SOOOO GLAD YOU LIKED IT! 🀣🀣🀣 Mr Collins is just sooo ridiculous! 🀣🀣 Gotta love him! 🀣🀣❀️❀️😍😍 Oh PRIDE AND PREJUDICE MOVIE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITESSS!! 😍😍❀️❀️😍

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    1. GREATTT!! I can ask him for you! I am sure he will! He’ll agree for anything that will puff up his ego! And if we add that it was for Lady Catherine de Bourgh, he will even give you the guide for free! 🀣🀣🀣🀣

      I AM SOOO GLAD YOU LIKED ITTT!! 😍😍😍😍 And yep, ONCE YOU FINISH THE BOOK, YOU’LL FIND IT EVEN FUNNIER! 🀣🀣😍😍

      Liked by 1 person

    1. 🀣🀣🀣❀️❀️ I AM SOOO GLAD I COULD MAKE YOU LAUGHT, Kristi! β€οΈβ€οΈπŸ’•πŸ’• THANK YOU SOOOO MUCHHHH FOR READINGG! πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸŒŸπŸŒŸβ˜”οΈ

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha how has this post been missing from the blogosphere for all this time!? It’s absolutely brilliant! I haven’t laughed this hard in ages now — thank you for bringing creepy Collins back into my life 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣 some of these gifs had me dead. Hahaha so freaking awkward! I love it 😍😍😍 Fabulous post, Rain!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AWWWW!! 😍😍🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣 YOURS IS THE SWEETEST COMMENT EVERRR!! Hahahah!! I am SOOO glad you liked the post, hon! 😍❀️❀️😘😘😘

      THANK YOU SOOO MUCHHH AGAINNNN, you amazing person! β€οΈπŸ˜πŸ˜πŸŒŸβ˜”οΈ

      Like

    1. 🀣🀣🀣 I like him as well! Pride and Prejudice would NOT have been as much fun without him, thats for sure! β€οΈβ€οΈπŸ’•πŸ’•
      HAHHA!! That last point is my favorite as well! 🀣🀣🀣 I AM SOOO GLAD YOU LIKED IT! πŸ˜πŸ˜β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈπŸ’•πŸ’•β˜”οΈπŸ₯°

      Liked by 1 person

    1. PLEASE DOOO!! There is no such thing as TOO MUCH Pride and Prejudice! πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰β€οΈ Ohhh!! The zombie version is fun! A bit ridiculous by the way the characters handle all the dialogues but yeah…overall a fun movie. ☺️❀️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahahaahah I’m dying at how much giggling you must have done while writing this one up! I can totally imagine an evil yet dying-of-laughter face of yours trying to contain it while composing this. But honestly. Dude is creepy. I’d have shoved his potatoes straight back to the cave he came from. πŸ˜› Awesome post as always, Rain! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣 I CERTAINLY DID GIGGLE A LOTT! 🀣🀣 Every time a point popped in my head, it was followed with a burst of laughter and I knew this month’s series is going to be soo much fun! 🀣😍

      HE REALLYY ISSS!! Such a ridiculous person! 🀣🀣🀣🀣 β€œI’d have shoved his potatoes straight back to the cave he came from. πŸ˜›β€ 🀣🀣🀣🀣 D A M N!! 🀣🀣 well I’d have supported it! 🀣

      THANK YOU SOO MUCH, Lashaan! β˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈπŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

    1. 🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣🀣 Well, now I cannot stop gigglinggg, imagining you laughing soo hard! 🀣🀣🀣

      Liked by 1 person

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